Beyonce Gets Her Own Religion: National Church of Bey

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”Our most sacred text is a compilation of all of Beyoncé’s verses and lyrics. Through our Beyble, we can better ourselves and strive to become truly Divine Divas.” Shouts of “Surfbort!” were made by fellow divas.

Via NewsNerd:

A group of 12 friends from Atlanta, Georgia have taken their admiration for the singer Beyoncé to a more spiritual level. Zay of MapeNation  reports that Pauline John Andrews is the founder and self-proclaimed “Minister Diva” of the new National Church of Bey.

What is now known as Beyism began about two years ago in a run-down garage in Southwest Atlanta. “There were 12 of us,” Andrews explained, “and we used to gather every Sunday and sing her songs together. One day, while drinking Moscato and smoking Beyha (marijuana), we analyzed one of her songs and came to the realization that Beyoncé is truly divine.” From that moment moving forward, Andrews took the reigns as the leader of the Divine Divas.

Some time in the summer of 2013, they adopted the name “National Church of Bey” and registered themselves as a non-profit institution. Pauline John Andrews proclaimed herself the first Minister Diva of the National Church of Bey. Through donated funds, and by all 12 members emptying their savings accounts, the church was able to purchase a building that would become their first temple. The rest is history.

Today, the National Church of Bey is thriving and shows no signs of slowing down. The congregation has grown to 203 official Divine Divas. One random visit to the temple on a Saturday night would prove to be an interesting experience. You would get to listen to Minister Diva Andrews preach from the principal text of Beyism known to them as the Beyble. Andrews explains, “Our most sacred text is a compilation of all of Beyoncé’s verses and lyrics. Through our Beyble, we can better ourselves and strive to become truly Divine Divas.” Shouts of “Surfbort!” were made by fellow divas as a sign of approval for her statement.

Minister Diva Andrews estimates that there are at least 58 million worshippers of Beyism, but 99% of them simply don’t realize it. “Whenever you see a large group of women defending  the actions of her divine divaness, Bey, they are practicing Beyism,” Andrews explained, “It is not about believing she rose from the dead, or that she is perfect or anything like that,  it is about recognizing that she is the Divine Diva that we all strive to be.”

As for who can join the National Church of Bey?  Well, 100% of the congregation consists of women, but males are welcome to join the church on the strength of one condition – they sacrifice their manhood.  All males are to go through a symbolic ceremony known as Bicchen in which they symbolically remove their penises and then declare their allegiance to the Divine Diva, Bey.  At the conclusion of the ceremony, the member then achieves the status of Puhcee.

What the future holds for the National Church of Bey is unclear.  The hope of the church is that the millions of fans recognize that they are practicing Beyism.  Once this happens, the true aspirations of the Divine Divas can finally be met.  What is that you may ask? According to Minister Diva Andrews, it is “for the whole world to bow at the feet of the Goddess Beyoncé and recognize that she is the Diva of all Divas!”

I’m sure this is all satire, I mean it couldn’t be real.. At least I hope it’s not real.. It’s beyond hilarious to me the things people think up.